The Value of Long-Term Relationships ~via Gautam Mahajan

Oct 30

Oct 30 The Value of Long-Term Relationships ~via Gautam Mahajan

Long-term relationships add value to our personal and business lives in so many ways. Customer experience professional and thought leader Gautam Mahajan shares his perspective here. /Ted

You can’t promise to be there for someone for the rest of their life, but you can sincerely be there for them for the rest of yours! Not exercise, diets or vitamins, but friendship helps you live longer…Mint

I just finished writing a book called Zero Complaints with two eminent co-authors. I enjoyed my interaction with them, their intellect, their inputs, their ideas, their enthusiasm and cooperation. I would love to have a long-term relationship with them. Is it possible? Was ours just an interaction in a project? Was it more? Or does it need to be developed into a relationship, where we have more to do with each other. They live in different continents and only e-mails can keep us in touch.

Should it or must it develop into something more? All this led me to thinking about relationships with my parents (now gone), my extended family, my classmates, people whom I worked for or those who worked for me, my colleagues, and other associates, most of whom I enjoy.

A relationship can depend on need, necessity, convenience or proximity as with neighbours and colleagues. It can be based on an emotional connect, or a combination of these.

The people with whom I have spontaneity with are my classmates mostly from college. There is a certain ease with them, of having shared a growing up period while experiencing difficulties in studies, or sharing extra-curricular activities. When we meet 30 or 40 years later, our conversation is generally on the time we shared and other classmates, and trying to understand what each of us had done in the years we were not in touch. We go back into being college kids.

As we go through life, we find that there are certain relationships that endure, and others that are short term. Someone said life is like traveling in a train. One enters a certain compartment and may get to know a few people there (and not in the other compartments. Some leave at the next stations, some stay till the end of the journey) and have a good time, and have an intention to renew the interaction. Most of the time it does not happen.

Is there then a value in long term relationships or in fleeting ones. Where does this value come from? From sharing families, experiences, ideas? Or sharing difficult or happy times, from being at ease with someone, with wanting to be with someone, with wanting to learn from or share with someone thoughts and ideas, to learning from someone. You could have shared values or very different values (opposites attract each other?). Long term relationships enrich your life, and improves your wellbeing.
They add value to you.

There are many segments of our life where we make relationships. Research suggests that mutual trust and honest communication reduce relationship anxiety and avoidance over time, in Forbes[1]
Some of the relationships we have are:

In a family, as kids, your kids

We find that we can interact with and connect to family members. This becomes more so for older people as they reach the second half of life. Some connections that are obvious include with parents and children, who often continue to support each other emotionally and otherwise. These relationships change over time.

Similar things happen with cousins, uncles and aunts. Some we drop or get dropped as we get distant (physically or emotionally or connection wise). Some we remain close to.

But familiarity in a sense remains, a possible basis of a relationship
As a kid, neighbours

As we grow up, we have neighbours we interact with, play with, visit or meet. Some of them disappear. Many do not remember or care to remember such interactions, others like me remember all the good things and good times, and I often wonder where they are and would like to reach out to them if I could.

As a school kid, and in college

Here we interact somewhat closely, and get to know some students well, and become familiar with others, or share studies or sports with others. In boarding schools such interactions are intense. Many people, whom I meet years later have no interest in past relationships. Others are deeply interested and have memories of the past. It is interesting to see someone who suddenly remembers an event or a quirk one of us had and the laughs we had. We are turned on and enthused by these memories.

Do we want to go back to these times. Few do! We want to live in the now, and that’s the way it should be. We cannot live in the past.

At work

Gallup found that people who simply have a good friend in the workplace are more likely to be happy. What’s more, good work relationships are linked to better customer engagement and increased profit.

What we find is Self-awareness, Inclusion, Trust, Respect, Communication all lead to a good relationship.

The question is whether these relationships should continue? Why do many not last? Lack of time, true interest and true intent, getting into other areas of relationships, selfishness and greed, cost of keeping up, changing interests.

Martin G. Moore[2] in LinkedIn suggests we should be friendly at work and not become friends. Friends share things with each other: thoughts, feelings, desires, et cetera, that they wouldn’t share with someone who is just a colleague.

Relationships help you garner trust, create value and sell!

Friends

The song says “Make new friends, but keep the old; One is silver, the other is gold.” This idea applies to work friends, too.

We find some friends drift apart. Others fight or have a misunderstanding.

The average friendship lasts 17 years. 17% last over 30 years.

According to new research[3], we make just 29 real friends in our lifetime and only 6 of them last the distance. A study, which charted the social lives of 2,000 people, showed that we lose touch with almost 50% of the friends that we make.

In a team or a club, or a neighbourhood

Which relationships endure, and why?

Social Relationships Across Adulthood and Old Age

Cornelia Wrzus and Jenny Wagner[4] said that “Over the entire life span, social relationships are essential ingredients of human life. Social relationships describe regular interactions with other people over a certain period and generally include a mental representation of the relationship and the relationship partner. Social relationships cover diverse types, such as those with family members, romantic partners, friends, colleagues, as well as with other unrelated people. In general, most of these relationships change in number, contact frequency, and relationship quality during adulthood and old age. For example, both the number of and contact with friends and other unrelated people generally decrease with advancing age, whereas the number of and contact with family members remain rather stable.

Some explanatory factors, which are discussed in the literature, are (a) motivational changes, (b) reduced time due to work and family demands during adulthood, and (c) resource constraints in older age.

Gloria Luong, Susan T. Charles, and Karen L. Fingerman[5] state “Older adults typically report higher levels of satisfaction with their social relationships than younger adults and fewer negative experiences in their social interactions than do younger adults (e.g., Birditt & Fingerman, 2003). For example, older adults recall experiencing a greater intensity of positive emotions and less intense negative emotions with their close social partners than do younger adults (Charles & Piazza, 2007). Moreover, perceptions of social support grow more positive with age; as they grow older, adults report that they derive greater support from their close social ties.

Has social media helped relationship?

Social media and internet have helped keeping in touch casually either individually, or in groups. This maintains interactions and can preserve relationships

Relationships can help people.

Scientific American found happiness and wellbeing has an impact on relationships. Men, for example with happier childhoods[6] develop stronger relationships in old age. Upbringing has an impact on relationships.

Relationships in Older Adulthood[7]

“Given increases in longevity, today’s older adults face the possibility of acquiring and maintaining relationships far longer than during any other time in modern history.

Nurturing long‐term family relationships can bring both rewards and challenges. Over the decades, sibling rivalry may disappear and give way to peaceful relationships, while younger adults may feel the strain of trying to care for their aging and ailing parents, grandparents, and other relatives. Still, most young people report satisfying relationships with their older family members.”

Marriage and family

TikTok post asks: How long does a relationship last on average?

In dating, the average relationship lasts 2 years and 9 months. The average marriage – 8 years. Psychologist and sociologists even admit that love lasts typically 18 months to 3 years. What most people have is a commitment or an attachment at best.

Lasting Relationships require mutual trust. Research suggests that mutual trust and honest communication reduce relationship anxiety and avoidance over time. Prioritizing quality time together, ensuring your partner feels heard and understood, and practicing small acts of kindness every day can help build a strong bond even when life stressors get in the way. Positivity, empathy, commitment, acceptance, and mutual love and respect are needed.

Some people like me look to retain relationships, but many view these as interactions and do not pursue and build a true relationship.

Relationships help you increase value to others and to those you are selling.

What is your take?

We will end with more unanswered questions than answers, but we want you to think about this. Are relationships valuable? To you? Do you cherish them or hate them? Do you nurture or neglect them?